Holiday Stress

Are you ready for all that lies ahead in the coming month? Maybe you need to build up your stress resistant muscle. Check out my 15 Minute Routine for doing just that. Also read about some ways to avoid the stress of the holidays.

Autoimmune Disease: How To Stop Your Body From Attacking Itself

Great article.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

New Website

Turn Stress Into Bliss has a new website. It is still building but already has a lot of useful information, stories, and tips. Visit and check it out and also sign up for the free e-zine More Fun Less Stress.

Yoga and Stress - Maximizing Benefits

In my last blog post we talked about the “form” and the “essence” of yoga. This week I’ll share with you some key tips for easily tapping in to the essence of the practice. Following these tips will help you maximize the benefits and effectively use yoga as a tool for managing stress.

1. TIME AND PLACE – To get the most from my yoga practice I do it in the same place and at roughly the same time every morning. I make sure there is plenty of time available by getting up early enough to complete my hour long ritual each before anything else happens in my day. It does not have to be an hour. That’s just my preference. As little as 15 minutes can work as long as it happens daily and is a focused time.

2. WARM UP – I don’t start right away with trying to get deeply into the essence. Instead I spend a few minutes with vigorous movement and breath. You can just jump around if you want, or shake your body, do random movements or whatever just plain feels good to wake up your body and your breath. There is a section in “Turn Stress Into Bliss” that describes a warm up routine that I like to use.

3. BREATHING – Once you begin your yoga practice pay as much attention to your breath as you do to your body. Long, slow, deep, inhalations followed by relaxed full exhalations that are coordinated with you body movements work best.

4. PLAY THE EDGE – Remove all force, strain, and trying from your practice. Instead come gently to your edge in each posture using your breath to help you slowly get there. Some years ago I wrote an article on Playing The Edge that was published in Yoga Journal. If you are a yoga teacher and would like to copy it for your students, email me. It may help them add another dimension to their approach to yoga. I like to think of my yoga practice as “effortless effort”.

5. FOCUS AWARENESS – Once you arrive at your edge, practice being present physically and emotionally to whatever you might be experiencing right NOW.

6. ACCEPT – Whatever you notice, accept it. This is what is happening now and all that needs to happen.

7. CHOOSE - Decide in the moment how to be present to what is happening. You might feel an urge to move into a harder edge. Do you really want to do this? Choose. Practice making different choices and see what happens as a result.

8. PAUSE AND REFLECT – After each posture and again at the end of your practice take a few moments to reflect on your experience and what you noticed. In Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy one key element of the process is what we call Integration. It’s one of the key features of the practice that help make it such an effective modality.

All of the above tips are described in detail in Turn Stress into Bliss. Another good way for new yoga students to learn how to work with yoga this way is to find a yoga teacher or yoga therapist who can teach and guide them with a private session.

If you find this blog post helpful, please email it to your friends, students, or colleagues by clicking on the little mail envelope below. Also if you have any comments or questions please use the comment link below. I love to hear from my readers.

Yoga and Stress

Just about everyone knows and believes that if you want to reduce stress you should take up yoga, right? Is yoga the new panacea? Will it really make a big difference? And what kind of yoga? And what about the millions of us who just don’t see ourselves on a yoga mat – ever! Are our concepts of yoga misguided or do we really not fit the mold?

There is no question that regular yoga practice will make a difference to one’s life and it really doesn’t matter what kind of yoga is practiced. For the majority this will usually be a physical approach to yoga and the benefits will in turn be primarily physical. They include better respiration, enhanced circulation, greater flexibility, and an overall feeling of physical well being. All of this will contribute to reducing stress. However, when the rubber hits the road in day to day life in areas where stress is likely to be triggered – at the office or at home – it just might not be enough to make much difference. Yes, you read that right! All the effort of getting to that yoga class and practicing diligently just might not prevent you from that angry outburst, that frustrated look, or that deep feeling of despair and helplessness.

Why not?

Well, for one thing you may not have paid sufficient attention to aspects of yoga that will make a difference. Let me tell a story about a yoga colleague I’ll call Vince although that was not his real name.

Vince began practicing yoga in his twenties and loved it. He worked hard at his asana practice and very soon became one of the most adept students in his class. Vince was also very short tempered and impatient but was seen as someone who was strong, and was always able to push through and make things happen. Nobody would ever describe Vince as a happy person. He had a stern look on his face and if you looked closely enough you could sense a person in emotional pain. Success was important to Vince. All of these attitudes came to the yoga mat with him. He gave himself two weeks to get his forehead to his toes in the sitting forward bend and got there with days to spare by pushing his body through the pain and practicing the posture for hours each day. He became a yoga teacher, and because of his incredible physical flexibility and prowess as a yogi in the physical arena, was featured in a prominent yoga magazine.

I met him on the conference circuit and over several years got to know him just a little. Interestingly, he had attracted a following of students who were in many ways just like him – driven to succeed and focused on attaining perfection with the physical form of yoga. Ten years after meeting Vince his conversation had not changed. He was still frustrated with many aspects of his life, still striving for perfection in all things, and still criticizing his students for not working hard enough.

To me there are two very important aspects to the practice of yoga – the “form” and the “essence”. Vince focused on the form almost exclusively and as a result missed most of the benefits that the essence of yoga might have brought to his life. Now I’m not saying that form is not important. It is! We do need to know how to work with our bodies as we practice yoga. But form is really only a tool, not an end in itself. As well as good form we also need to learn how to engage the practice of yoga in ways that take us to deeper levels of awareness at emotional, mental, and spiritual levels. If we are obsessed with the form of the practice, this is unlikely to happen.

So how do we do that? Check back here in a few days for the next blog post and I’ll share some tips with you. And the good news is that if you don’t get hung up on the form that yoga should take, you, or practically anyone you know, can engage the practice and use it as an effective stress management tool. You don’t need a body like Vince’s!

Teenage Stress

A recent UCLA study reports that stress experienced in the teen years can have a negative affect on physical health in later years – particularly in relation to cardio-vascular disease. I guess this finding is not so alarming on the surface. What is concerning though is the significant increase in stress being experienced by a large percentage of teens in recent years.

As a father of five over a thirty year span of my life I have seen the changes first hand. The life of an average seventeen year old today can be very different than it was for someone that age in 1985. It seems today there is more pressure to perform in many areas of life and not just academically. Social networks fueled by instant messaging and cell phones have expanded to the point that thirty percent of some teens waking hours is spent in cyber conversation. Throw in on top of this the usual homework concerns, getting along with parents, dealing with first love, dressing to be cool, a changing body and other issues and it's not surprising that many teens succumb to "over the top" stress. No longer does the home provide a safe haven and a respite from the outside stressors that many teens are facing. With this happening it's easy as a parent to just give up and muddle through as best we can. At the same time, and ever the optimist, I'm always on the lookout for ways to make it easier for my kids. As much as possible I prioritize creating or providing experiences for them that will help them better deal with all they might be facing. Some work and some don't.

I was in Colorado last weekend to visit my 17 year old who is taking part in what is called The Rocky Mountain Semester at the High Mountain Institute. I sat in his English class listening to him and his peers read poems they had written about their experience so far. Already they have been on two expeditions - one to the Canyons of Utah and one in the high mountains of Colorado in the middle of winter. On the winter expedition they were out for nine days, sleeping in snow caves and quigloos they had shoveled out of the snow pack, carrying their food and shelter on sleds and using skins and telemark skis to climb and descend peaks up to 14,000 feet in elevation. They wrote about this different experience of life and how serene and fulfilled they felt both during and after. The hardships endured in just getting warm and going to the bathroom in the snow at fifteen below, didn't seem to bother them that much and were rarely highlighted. Instead, many of the poems gave voice to a camaraderie not ever before experienced and a connection to others that gave them a sense of wellbeing and support. They talked about learning how to take care of themselves and each other and be present to whatever they faced. The poems were eloquent and deep and clearly not influenced by anything other than the spirit of the poet. For two months they have been without a cell phone, and have very limited (and slow) internet access. On their main campus they sleep in a small cabin with nine others and wake several times a night to fuel the wood stove that heats it. I couldn't help but notice how alive and happy they all appeared. I have never seen my son so full of life and so comfortable with his surroundings, friends, schoolwork, and the leadership skills he's developing. There was no overwhelming stress here.

I began to ask myself a question. How could I create at home, an environment that produced a similar feel? And then I realized I was discrediting my son, his colleagues, and the faculty by even asking the question. Why? Because each one of them had pro-actively created what they were experiencing. It didn't just happen by chance and it was not my job to try to create it for anyone other than myself somewhere else. In my conversation with my son before I left this became more apparent as he told me how he had changed. He was learning how to create his world the way he wanted it regardless of where in the wider world he might find himself. He was being given the tools to help him do it, but no one was doing it for him. At present he was fortunate to be in the company of others doing it too but knowing that he will be ready to go solo when the time comes.

I left feeling like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders and that my son was becoming equipped to handle whatever stress or problems might come his way in life. This felt so much more powerful to me than my trying to shelter him from these things. As a fellow parent, you might want to ask what experiences you might be able to offer to your teen - ones that can empower them to deal with the stress and the complexities of life that are bound to come their way.

As well as great programs like the one at High Mountain Institute, there are many other resources available. Check out listings for summer camps that offer a leadership component. Look for nature and wilderness experiences that use the backdrop of nature as a tool for empowerment. At a more basic level, many yoga or martial arts programs for teens offer components that support them in developing the strengths to handle adversity.

Here are two additional links

Appalachian Mountain Club Teen Wilderness Adventures

Northwaters Wilderness Program

 

 

Work Stress

Stress in the workplace is common for many of us these days. As organizations strive to adapt to a changing economy, the level of work stress increases. Is job stress something we just have to live with now? Or is it something we can control? Isn't there an ideal job with no stress at all?

Yesterday at my local airport I had the privilege of meeting face to face a woman by the name of Carol Pilon. Carol is no ordinary person. Her profession is wing walking! Yep, that's right! She walks on the wings of an airplane in flight and actually stays there standing on the wing and doing tricks while the pilot pushes the airplane through an aerobatic routine including loops and inversions. This is no ordinary job and I would imagine it's the kind of job that would push job stress beyond any known limits for most of us. But not for Carol. Of course there is some stress involved. Yesterday she was training a new pilot for some upcoming airshows. Everything has to work just right for her routine to work and to ensure a safe completion so efforts have to be made to get it right. That goes with just about every human endeavor. So why am I telling you about Carol?

Well, if Carol can do the job she does and not experience the kind of job stress that pushes her personal stress level over the top, then why can't we? If the worst we have to deal with is some ornery co-worker, then what's the problem? At least our life is not on the line! I guess what I'm saying is this. It's often not the job that causes the job stress but how we relate to the job that causes the stress. If you watched Carol prepare for an airshow you would probably say there is a good level of stress there in the workplace. But it is stress that people like Carol can handle and even thrive upon. So what's the secret?

First and foremost, Carol loves what she does. If you are in a job that you hate, the chances are you will experience work stress. And I can just hear some of my readers saying right now "Well that's OK to say but what can I do about it? I can't just quit this job because I hate it. In these tough times, I might not find another!" And I totally understand. But if that is the case you still have choice. You do have the choice to explore other options and you also have the choice to adapt and find ways to make your job less stressful and more fun. If you choose the latter option, here are some tips that might help. And even if you love your job, these tips will work for you too… even for someone like Carol.

Tips on How to Manage Stress in the Workplace

1. Prepare for your day. Spend at least 10 minutes each morning for you to stretch, breathe, meditate, walk, sing, play, or whatever it is that you can find that shifts your energy and your mind from a "Damn! Another day!" to "OK day… here I am! Open and ready!"
   
2. Don't take it personally! When stuff comes up on the job and you find criticism and nasty comments floating around as often happens with workplace stress, just let it roll off. You can even visualize the yucky stuff that comes your way just washing right off your body as soon as it arrives.
   
3. Smile a lot! Find a good reason at least every half hour to show the happy face. It's hard to smile and feel stressed at the same time so for at least a few seconds here and there you will be stress free if you can do this one.
   
4. Breathe! Yes, the old faithful. A deep slow and full inhale followed by big exhale will work wonders to shift how you respond to what's going on around you. Every time you feel the tension building, take a breath break.
   
5. Keep open to the possibility of a major change. Other jobs are out there. Keep your eyes and ears open and don't stop dreaming about the job you really want and the one you would love. Hey… what about wing walking?

Oh... click here for a pic of Carol doing her thing.

STRESS and FEAR

Fear of something, no matter what it is, can be a source of stress. And it's often very different for each of us. For a teenage girl I worked with this week, it was fear of flying. For my wife, it's fear of supermarkets. How do we deal with these so called "little fears"?

It's been said that we shouldn't sweat the petty stuff, but that's easier said than done. There are various approaches ranging from "embracing the beast" to "turning and running".

This week I had the pleasure of leading an Introduction to Aviation Week for ten students from a nearby private high school. Flying is one of my passions and so it was a great chance for me to give back something I've gained from my 20 or so years of flying airplanes. On the first day I asked them why they had chosen this particular option as part of their Pro Vita (for life) program. The responses were varied and many talked about the adventure and excitement that went with taking to the air. For Victoria though it was very different. She said she was afraid of flying. Terrified, in fact. She talked about the physical reactions in her body every time she set foot on a plane to go anywhere. She had decided that by learning more about airplanes and even getting to fly one, could be one way she would overcome it.

On the first day we went flying. The weather was not the best and it was pretty bumpy aloft. Victoria let out a scream or two as the airplane bounced around. I began to wonder if this "self therapy" she had prescribed for herself might not work out. By the third day she was much more relaxed and was beginning to enjoy the experience. By the last day of the program she was ecstatic as she took the controls and actually flew the airplane herself. In her evaluation she wrote: "Taking this course has taught me not to be afraid anymore. Because I faced my fear and allowed myself to embrace the rawest form of flying I will probably experience, I am no longer worried!" Victoria had truly "embraced the beast and tamed it".

Lori really hates supermarkets and when in one for any length of time beyond a few minutes, she experiences stress related symptoms. She feels nauseous, light headed, and unstable on her legs. If she pushes through these symptoms, she then gets a headache and by the time she gets to the checkout she's often feeling like throwing up. For many years she's tried to overcome it by "just doing it anyway". As a small child from a large family, she went several times a week to the several different supermarkets with her mother for prolonged shopping experiences armed with coupons and lists. She hated it. She felt very small inside the big store and the array of stuff on the shelves was overwhelming. The fear of not getting the best bargain was ever present and the high powered fluorescent lights tended to make her feel sick in the stomach. Every time she left a store, she inwardly wished it might be the last time she'd ever have to go into one. On the other hand, I love supermarkets. I read labels and spend additional time seeking out new products to try. I enjoy looking for the bargains, chat with the guy at the seafood counter, talk to people I meet, and generally come away feeling pleased with the experience. So in our family it's a no-brainer. I do most of the grocery shopping each week and have done for years. One of the most loving things I can do for my wife is to reassure her that she doesn't have to step foot in a supermarket again if she doesn't want to. This "stay away from the damned tiger at all costs" strategy works just fine for her.

This weekend we changed the clocks forward one hour for the return to daylight saving time. I couldn't help but notice how I chose to "hug the tiger" on Saturday night. Before going to bed I made sure all the clocks were changed, remembering how in years past when waiting until the next day to change some of the clocks and forgetting to change others, I had managed to create some panic next day around us knowing what time it really was. For me, I find that when I notice the urge to procrastinate and then consciously choose not to, it makes for a less stressful time ahead.

In these examples I have outlined above there are three common elements. They are: Awareness, Choice, and Action. If you want to know more about these in more detail there is a chapter on each in my book Turn Stress Into Bliss. To shortcut though, you can ask yourself these questions: "What are the little fears (tigers) in my life?" "What are my choices with each?" "What action do I want to take?"

So what DO you do with your "tigers" in life? What works and what doesn't?

Please pass this blog on to others if you feel it might serve them. Cheers for now.

Am I stressed?

I often get asked questions like "What is stress?", "How would I know if I am stressed or not?", and my favorite, "What's the definition of stress?" That last one is usually asked by someone who likes to figure things out. If they can just get a solid scientific definition, they'll be able to figure it out. Well that may be true, but I prefer a much simpler approach. Whenever I get asked these questions, I usually don't answer them. Instead I ask a question of my own. One which I've found very reliable in helping someone determine if they are stressed or not.

And that question is: "Tell me about the last time you had REAL FUN?"

Go ahead – think about your answer to that question before reading further.

Responses vary. Some people immediately smile and begin to tell me about some exciting adventure or some hilarious recent episode in their life. Others have to think about it for a while before remembering an event. A few look blank and can't remember any recent fun. And a few others glare at me and demand, "Can you define for me what you mean by fun?"

Fun is not exactly the same as bliss but it's in the same family. If you are stressed out, bliss will be hard to come by, and often fun will be scarce as well. So if your answer to that question didn't immediately make you smile as you recalled a recent fun memory, you might want to ask this question. "What's in the way of me having more fun in my life?"

Now in answer to that question, many folks will blame someone or something as being responsible for their lack of fun. It might be a spouse, a job, kids, time, the economy, life in general, or any number of good causes worthy of taking the hit. If your answer included any of these you need to ask this one. "What do I need to do to create fun in my life and why am I letting my excuse stop me?"

Often stress and lack of fun come from the same source. We are not managing our lives but instead are being swept down the stream of life by a tide of circumstance. If this applies to you and you are aware of it, you are way ahead of the game. Many people are not.

If you are aware and you want to change it, here are some tips for dealing with stress in your life.

First, don't rush to a solution. Instead follow this process to find one. Too often we take drastic and immediate action to change things and sometimes create more stress as a result. Instead, make some time, and take some time, on a daily basis to do some reflection – even if it's only 10 minutes a day.

Sit in a quiet place and begin by emptying your mind. Close your eyes and focus on your breath and simply sit for a while you as you breathe in and out. Just notice your breath, nothing else. If you start thinking about anything, notice that it happened and then come immediately back to your breath. After 10 minutes of this, take your journal (buy one today if you don't already have one) and write your answers to these questions. "What do I notice about myself and my life? What's working for me? What's not working? What would I like to change?"

The very best answers to these big questions will come after you've sat in stillness and relaxed for a while. The very worst answers will come when you are stressed, angry, fearful, or busy. Cheers!

Do this every day for a week and on the last day of the week read back what you've written and ask "What have I learned this week?" Write about that.

You may have to repeat this process a few times but at some point you will get increased clarity and a firmer commitment to make some changes that will be better for you. You will be the one to begin removing stress from your life and having fun again. Try it, even if you think your are on top of everything.

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Marriage Stress

I've heard it said that stress in relationships is a seasonal thing. For some of us the holidays tend to bring things to a head but for others it's the post holiday let down and post Valentines affect that does it. After all, no matter how well we did the Valentine affection giving, to let him or her know how much we cared, there is still that lingering feeling for those of us in long term commitments that "the lovin' just ain't what it used to be when we first got together." On top of that, at this time of year the days tend to follow a pattern and one without a whole lot of excitement.

Each day is often a repeat of the routine of the day before. Also, this year is also tougher for most than years gone by. A December survey by the Pew Research Center tells us that 85% of Americans have recently made personal spending cutbacks. I'm sure that has led to many conversations in many households about money. And I know that in my relationship, that can sometimes be a touchy topic.

Regardless of the surveys, our day to day routines, or other triggers that might lead us to believe our relationship is in a rut, we occasionally get to the point of knowing that we either need to do something to re-energize our marriage or consider the alternatives.

We got to that point sometime last fall. I can't even remember now what the trigger was but we decided we needed to do something to help re-create the closeness we both felt was not quite there like we wanted it.

In our twenty-two years together we'd had times like this before and come through to the other side so we didn't panic. At the same time neither of us felt like going to couples therapy. We'd been there and done that, and while it was of some help, we felt there had to be an easier way. Maybe a home study program, or some CD's, or a book we could share. I searched on-line and after reviewing the various options settled on a "Marriage Fitness" program offered by Mort Fertel. ( I kind of liked the sound of his name and the program description seemed to fit our values.)

We started with his free CD, and liked what we heard so ordered the set. We set aside a time each day to listen to a track or two and to decide on our "homework". We learned many things but probably the most significant was that the quality of our relationship was well within our control and that we really needed to do some very specific things to feed it if we wanted it to flourish. Duh!

OK, we might have known that if we'd taken the time to think about it. But what we didn't know was some very specific and well tested steps to take to improve the "fitness" or our marriage. Mort gave us some of those and they really made a difference. He also offers a "Marriage Boot Camp" using teleconferences. We haven't done that one yet but if ever we hit the rocks again, we just might.

When I look back I also give each of us some credit for taking the time to acknowledge a problem and take some action. This comes down to Awareness and Intention. To bring these things to the forefront of our life experience required us to be willing to "self observe" without judgment or blame and then take the next step. I'm grateful for my years of yoga and meditation training that I believe makes it much easier for me to do that. I'm also pleased that we are both mature enough to put our egos aside when we have a problem. We were able admit to ourselves and to each other that, despite our years of focus on spiritual living, there are times when we need outside help and need to do some more learning. It reminds me of a quote I heard many years ago. "(S)he who is not busy being born is busy dying." I just can't remember who said it. Anyone know?

THE STRESS OF PARENTING

"When you think about it, being a parent is very much like a 90 minute strenuous yoga routine, only expanded into 20 years or more. You come up against all kinds of edges, find numerous opportunities to find out how to be present to what is happening, and find out a lot about yourself in the process. ….

... Parenting in the 21^st century is also very different from any other time in history. Only 50 years or so ago, we could almost predict that things would not change a lot from one generation to another. Not so now. Children of today, by the time they become teenagers, are probably much more adept at accessing information about anything, than both parents combined. Old systems of control used for generations of parenting, no longer apply. How can you control someone who has more information about everything than you do? It's a set up for failure.

Instead, parents must learn how to be enrollers and know how to inspire their offspring into playing a game of life that works and offers results worth achieving. "

THE ABOVE EXCERPT is taken from the Chapter on Parenting in my first book Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy: Bridge from Body Soul published in 1997. As I read it I realize that what I wrote about then, is not only still relevant some 12 years later, but is even more ( and sometimes painfully) true. In reading further I also realize that the suggestion I made then around how to deal with the many issues faced by modern parents, also still applies. Here's the essence of what I suggested then.

"…it's not so much what I do as a parent that matters as much as how I be. " p.161

And the good news is that I really do have some control over how I "be" and how I show up in my day to day relationships. For me, I don't talk to a single person in the morning until I've done at least 10 to 15 minutes of moving my body, breathing, and centering myself. I know from years of experience that this one simple thing makes a huge difference in how I show up. I also know I need to focus my mind and put my best foot forward. If I don't, that same foot will probably end up in my mouth before breakfast is over.

To me, part of getting centered as a parent, means bringing to focus all the love I feel for each member of my family. It only takes a few minutes and can even be done while washing face, combing hair or brushing teeth. I simply make a mental picture of each member of the household, and in my mind's eye, "pour out the love" to each in turn. It sounds simple and it is… but it's also very powerful. How do you prepare yourself on the inside for a day of parenting? Try my approach if you want, or create your own. But remember, parenting is a job that not only needs all the everyday skills you can muster, it also needs some inner preparation and focus if you hope to avoid or deal with much of the stress involved.

It's hard to believe that first book I wrote Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy: Bridge from Body Soul is still in print and still selling. If you want your copy you can get it at TheYogaShop.com

A big welcome to all my new subscribers who joined this week. If you like what you read, please do me and your friends a favor and forward this blog to them. I promise it won't take long to read, there's no hard selling, and each post will contain at least one simple thing that could make a difference to your life. My primary purpose in writing here, is to share with you some of the things (mostly processes), that I've learned so far in my life, that really do work.

Stress between Partners

What is the main source for stress between you and your spouse or partner? Is it around money, or household chores, children or something else? As no two people are alike and have the same needs and wants at a particular stage of their life, there are bound to be differences from time to time that cause stress in the relationship. What do we do when that happens? How do we minimize the damage and get our relationship back on track?

I'm at the age at which most of my peers are empty nesters and are long free from child rearing responsibilities. Not me. I have an eight year old, the last of my five children, needing lots of my energy and attention. I would be lying if I didn't admit that, at times, this responsibility takes me away from other things I might prefer to be doing. The same is true for my wife.

This "dissonance" that we both feel at times, led at first to frustrations that seemed to be directed toward each other. While not outright blaming each other for our plight, there were times when one or the other of us felt the pressure and wished the other would take up more of the responsibility. Of course this was a futile wish. We were in it together, had chosen our life the way it was, and really had to deal with it. We also love our daughter very much and often count the blessings she has brought to our lives and know we are lucky to have her in our lives. We needed to apply our creativity to our "issue" and not allow it to take us down a path of increased stress and tension between us.

We sat down together and the first thing we did was to ADMIT that we had some difficulties around this issue. We took time to listen to each other tell their story about how it affected their life. We were careful not to interrupt while the other spoke and we listened with patience and compassion.

We then asked ourselves what we AGREED upon in relation to this issue and compiled a list. Here it is.

We agreed that we loved our daughter and that despite our age at the time of her birth, she deserved our full and complete loving attention when she needed it. We also agreed that we loved each other and wanted to stay married, even if sometimes we were jealous of some of our single parent friends who passed the torch of responsibility back and forth with their former spouses, and gained some uninterrupted free time every so often. The final thing we agreed on was probably the most significant. We agreed that we each needed some free time to ourselves to devote to those things in life that were also important to us.

Next, we decided to apply some creative thinking to our situation so that all THREE of us could get what we needed. We came up with a plan that involved writing up a calendar with "days on" and "days off" for each of us, as well as times when we would all be together, and also times when we parents would have a date together and are both free of immediate responsibility. All this was entered on our calendar for a month "try out".

I'm pleased to say our plan worked and the results are better that either of us expected. We both feel less stressed and more in control of our lives. We each get to do some of the things we thought we might not be able to. Our daughter is happier and gets the best of both of us. And we have a lot more fun, when we are all together and when we are not.

So your situation may be very different from ours and may give rise to very different issues. However the PROCESS you use to resolve it can be basically the same as ours. So here are the steps in that process.

1. ADMIT to the problem and ask you partner to do likewise. (Note: you may each see the problem differently but try to formulate a joint statement that describes it for both of you, even if you disagree. e.g. "We disagree on how much money to spend each month on our food bill."
   
2. LISTEN to each others story on the problem or situation without interrupting and with some compassion for each other
   
3. Make a list of what you AGREE on in relation to the issue.
   
4. Apply CREATIVE THINKING to come up with a solution that you can both agree upon to solve the problem.
   
5. Set up a ONE MONTH trial for your solution.
   
6. At the end of the month, evaluate the outcome and decide to continue or to scrap it and come up with a new and different approach by starting this process over again from the BEGINNING. (Each step is important so don't skip any).
   

There is one other important element that I did not mention but that is also critical to a plan like this working out. Each partner must take full responsibility for their personal well being so they can fully participate in the solution. Sounds simple but it really requires focus. For me to fully present as a parent, I need to do certain things on a daily basis that will help me with my game. Just like an athlete training for a marathon. For me this means morning yoga and meditation on a daily basis. It means eating well and getting enough rest. It also means practicing conscious awareness in all my relationships, especially those with my family members. Doing these things gives any plan I commit to, a high percentage chance of success. Ask yourself what you need to do on a daily basis to bring your best game to all the day to day responsibilities you have. Here's to Life! Let's enjoy it to the fullest!

Your 15 Minute Stress Buster

OK, as I promised in my last blog post here is a simple fifteen minute routine for you. But first the disclaimer. This is what I consider for myself as the "bare minimum" to maintain the balance I need on a daily basis to handle the stress in my life. So I use this kind of routine as my emergency maintenance routine. It comes in handy when I'm on the road or like this morning when I had to get up and drive my teenage son to the airport at 4.30am and don't have time for a more complete practice. I find the best time for this routine is immediately after I get out of bed in the morning.

What you will see below is several segments of the routine with some suggestions as to what to put into that time. The choice of exactly what you do is up to you. There are several options for each segment listed in my book in various places, particularly in the complete yoga and meditation routine sections.

This routine is based on these ideas. First and foremost is the idea that it is good to get our blood flowing and air moving in and out of our lungs. Secondly, as our spine is the main energy conduit of our bodies, we can get all systems working better if we move the spine in all possible directions. Although these kind of activities (getting blood and breath moving and stretching in all directions) have a positive physical benefit, we can get double the benefit if we perform them with the utmost level of awareness and self-attunement. Detailed ways to master these aspects are also included in the book "Turn Stress into Bliss". Finally, there is the idea that we are in a better position to handle our daily lives in a more calmly focused way, if we set an intention to do so. So given all that here goes!

Michael Lee's 15 Minute Daily Stress Handling Maintenance Routine

Minutes 0 to 5: Jump around! Any way you like. The purpose is to get blood flowing and breath moving. You can do jumping jacks, you can make your arms into propellers, you can dance wildly, do scissor kicks in the air, or whatever. Being more of a yoga nut, I do squats with loud and deep breathing, I do a forward hang and shake my head while making the ugliest face I can muster, I open my mouth as wide as it will go and let out a roar like a lion and shake my body like a rag doll being severely mishandled by a rambunctious three year old. The aim is to move as many different parts of your body as vigorously as you can while breathing deeply and having fun. By the end of 4 minutes you should be starting to feel a little tired from all the movement. When this happens it's time to stand still and take slow deep full breaths in, and let them out with a "Hahhhhhhhhh" sound. (Falling out breath which is described in more detail in my book.) The conscious awareness part of this exercise is to observe yourself as you go. What do you notice? Sometimes I notice myself censoring my movements. Sometimes I notice that I am more or less vigorously than usual. Sometimes I notice myself trying to answer the question "why?" about whatever I'm noticing. What I like to do is let go of any judgments of myself regardless of what I notice myself thinking. I just say to myself "So what!" and come back to the exercise.

Minutes 6 to 10: Moving the spine in all directions. Backbend, forward bend, side bends, and twists in both directions. Do one or two of each and hold for two or three deep breaths at the edge with a pause for two or three deep breaths between each. Most any yoga book or my book "Turn Stress into Bliss" will give you detailed directions for these if you need them. Beginners tend to hold the positions for less time and do two repetitions. I prefer to do just one of each posture and hold for a little longer making sure to breathe fully and deeply in the holding position and when entering and leaving the posture. Again, practice with awareness. Observe yourself and use your observations to try non-judgment and detachment. (Both great stress handling tools that you can take with you into your daily life)

Minutes 11 to 15: Meditate. Sit comfortably, breathe gently and become the witness. As I don't find meditation all that easy I use a simple mantra. It is "I watch myself breath in, I watch myself breathe out" and repeat that over and over. If you are worried about time, set a timer. I don't worry about it if I go a minute or two more or less and can judge five minutes pretty easily once I do it a few times. Again, be the witness to your whole state of being as you sit and meditate At the end of your meditation there is one last thing to do. Set your intention for the day. "Today, I see myself going about my day………..(describe)". Make it positive rather than negative. For example: "I see myself going about my day with calmness and serenity" rather than "I see myself not getting into any fights today." Also don't forget to give yourself your absolute permission to not be perfect. Make room for not being 100% with whatever you might want to create in your day. Remember there is always tomorrow and Rome wasn't built in a day.

There you have it. Be inspired and do good things for yourself every day. And if you like what you read in this blog, please do me and your friends a favor by sending them the link.

A 2009 WITHOUT STRESS - A GIFT FOR YOU

Wouldn't that be nice? No more raised voices, no more anxiety at work, days full of joy and happiness, no more money worries, and lots of time to do the things you love.

Is a life without stress possible? Can we live out our days without all the tension?
How great it would be to have some magic bullet (legal of course) that would let us reach this state. Does it exist?

Well the answer is 'probably not'. So then why bother trying? Well, I do believe we can make a significant difference. Sure, there is no magic bullet. Sure, there will always be some tension in life. In fact we probably couldn't live very well without a little tension now and again. But the kind of stress that slowly kills us, creates disease, destroys our relationships, makes each day a misery, creates headaches and aches and pains in our body – that kind of stress we can do without and we can go a long way towards eliminating from our lives.

And there is a magic bullet for this. Well kind of. It comes in the form of a gift we can give to ourselves each day and any one can do it.

It is the gift of time. Yes, time. In order to effectively manage stress in our lives requires us to take the very first step and give ourselves the gift of time.

How much time? Well that depends on how much you can afford on the one hand, and how committed you are to changing the way you manage the stress in your life. Like all gifts, it would suck if you gave yourself an hour a day and then took it away a few days later because you couldn't afford it. So be realistic. How much time can you afford to give yourself each day that you will not take back under any circumstances?

If I were really stressed out, I might be motivated enough to give myself an hour a day for a period of time.

That's what is asked of you if you take the self directed program "Turn Stress into Bliss" that is outlined in my book bearing that title and which you can buy right here from this blog. That program has been proven to work for most people most of the time. In just eight weeks you could go from pain to no pain if its stress related. You could also go from stressed out to blissed out if you follow the program all the way.

But an hour a day! That's a lot to give for some of us. So if you can't do that hour, how about just 15 minutes? Can you afford that? And if you gave yourself 15 minutes a day, how would you use it?

As my New Year's Gift to you, in my very next blog post I will outline a simple 15 minute body-mind routine for you.

So stay tuned, and in the meantime think about when you are going to receive this gift. For me and most people the very best time is first thing in the morning after we get out of bed. But choose a different time if it works better for you - as long as you get that full gift each day uninterrupted. That might mean turning the clock forward 15 minutes or using some other trick to make sure you get it.

Think about it. You make the time, and I'll give you the recipe.