Marriage Stress

I've heard it said that stress in relationships is a seasonal thing. For some of us the holidays tend to bring things to a head but for others it's the post holiday let down and post Valentines affect that does it. After all, no matter how well we did the Valentine affection giving, to let him or her know how much we cared, there is still that lingering feeling for those of us in long term commitments that "the lovin' just ain't what it used to be when we first got together." On top of that, at this time of year the days tend to follow a pattern and one without a whole lot of excitement.

Each day is often a repeat of the routine of the day before. Also, this year is also tougher for most than years gone by. A December survey by the Pew Research Center tells us that 85% of Americans have recently made personal spending cutbacks. I'm sure that has led to many conversations in many households about money. And I know that in my relationship, that can sometimes be a touchy topic.

Regardless of the surveys, our day to day routines, or other triggers that might lead us to believe our relationship is in a rut, we occasionally get to the point of knowing that we either need to do something to re-energize our marriage or consider the alternatives.

We got to that point sometime last fall. I can't even remember now what the trigger was but we decided we needed to do something to help re-create the closeness we both felt was not quite there like we wanted it.

In our twenty-two years together we'd had times like this before and come through to the other side so we didn't panic. At the same time neither of us felt like going to couples therapy. We'd been there and done that, and while it was of some help, we felt there had to be an easier way. Maybe a home study program, or some CD's, or a book we could share. I searched on-line and after reviewing the various options settled on a "Marriage Fitness" program offered by Mort Fertel. ( I kind of liked the sound of his name and the program description seemed to fit our values.)

We started with his free CD, and liked what we heard so ordered the set. We set aside a time each day to listen to a track or two and to decide on our "homework". We learned many things but probably the most significant was that the quality of our relationship was well within our control and that we really needed to do some very specific things to feed it if we wanted it to flourish. Duh!

OK, we might have known that if we'd taken the time to think about it. But what we didn't know was some very specific and well tested steps to take to improve the "fitness" or our marriage. Mort gave us some of those and they really made a difference. He also offers a "Marriage Boot Camp" using teleconferences. We haven't done that one yet but if ever we hit the rocks again, we just might.

When I look back I also give each of us some credit for taking the time to acknowledge a problem and take some action. This comes down to Awareness and Intention. To bring these things to the forefront of our life experience required us to be willing to "self observe" without judgment or blame and then take the next step. I'm grateful for my years of yoga and meditation training that I believe makes it much easier for me to do that. I'm also pleased that we are both mature enough to put our egos aside when we have a problem. We were able admit to ourselves and to each other that, despite our years of focus on spiritual living, there are times when we need outside help and need to do some more learning. It reminds me of a quote I heard many years ago. "(S)he who is not busy being born is busy dying." I just can't remember who said it. Anyone know?