Stress between Partners

What is the main source for stress between you and your spouse or partner? Is it around money, or household chores, children or something else? As no two people are alike and have the same needs and wants at a particular stage of their life, there are bound to be differences from time to time that cause stress in the relationship. What do we do when that happens? How do we minimize the damage and get our relationship back on track?

I'm at the age at which most of my peers are empty nesters and are long free from child rearing responsibilities. Not me. I have an eight year old, the last of my five children, needing lots of my energy and attention. I would be lying if I didn't admit that, at times, this responsibility takes me away from other things I might prefer to be doing. The same is true for my wife.

This "dissonance" that we both feel at times, led at first to frustrations that seemed to be directed toward each other. While not outright blaming each other for our plight, there were times when one or the other of us felt the pressure and wished the other would take up more of the responsibility. Of course this was a futile wish. We were in it together, had chosen our life the way it was, and really had to deal with it. We also love our daughter very much and often count the blessings she has brought to our lives and know we are lucky to have her in our lives. We needed to apply our creativity to our "issue" and not allow it to take us down a path of increased stress and tension between us.

We sat down together and the first thing we did was to ADMIT that we had some difficulties around this issue. We took time to listen to each other tell their story about how it affected their life. We were careful not to interrupt while the other spoke and we listened with patience and compassion.

We then asked ourselves what we AGREED upon in relation to this issue and compiled a list. Here it is.

We agreed that we loved our daughter and that despite our age at the time of her birth, she deserved our full and complete loving attention when she needed it. We also agreed that we loved each other and wanted to stay married, even if sometimes we were jealous of some of our single parent friends who passed the torch of responsibility back and forth with their former spouses, and gained some uninterrupted free time every so often. The final thing we agreed on was probably the most significant. We agreed that we each needed some free time to ourselves to devote to those things in life that were also important to us.

Next, we decided to apply some creative thinking to our situation so that all THREE of us could get what we needed. We came up with a plan that involved writing up a calendar with "days on" and "days off" for each of us, as well as times when we would all be together, and also times when we parents would have a date together and are both free of immediate responsibility. All this was entered on our calendar for a month "try out".

I'm pleased to say our plan worked and the results are better that either of us expected. We both feel less stressed and more in control of our lives. We each get to do some of the things we thought we might not be able to. Our daughter is happier and gets the best of both of us. And we have a lot more fun, when we are all together and when we are not.

So your situation may be very different from ours and may give rise to very different issues. However the PROCESS you use to resolve it can be basically the same as ours. So here are the steps in that process.

1. ADMIT to the problem and ask you partner to do likewise. (Note: you may each see the problem differently but try to formulate a joint statement that describes it for both of you, even if you disagree. e.g. "We disagree on how much money to spend each month on our food bill."
   
2. LISTEN to each others story on the problem or situation without interrupting and with some compassion for each other
   
3. Make a list of what you AGREE on in relation to the issue.
   
4. Apply CREATIVE THINKING to come up with a solution that you can both agree upon to solve the problem.
   
5. Set up a ONE MONTH trial for your solution.
   
6. At the end of the month, evaluate the outcome and decide to continue or to scrap it and come up with a new and different approach by starting this process over again from the BEGINNING. (Each step is important so don't skip any).
   

There is one other important element that I did not mention but that is also critical to a plan like this working out. Each partner must take full responsibility for their personal well being so they can fully participate in the solution. Sounds simple but it really requires focus. For me to fully present as a parent, I need to do certain things on a daily basis that will help me with my game. Just like an athlete training for a marathon. For me this means morning yoga and meditation on a daily basis. It means eating well and getting enough rest. It also means practicing conscious awareness in all my relationships, especially those with my family members. Doing these things gives any plan I commit to, a high percentage chance of success. Ask yourself what you need to do on a daily basis to bring your best game to all the day to day responsibilities you have. Here's to Life! Let's enjoy it to the fullest!

Your 15 Minute Stress Buster

OK, as I promised in my last blog post here is a simple fifteen minute routine for you. But first the disclaimer. This is what I consider for myself as the "bare minimum" to maintain the balance I need on a daily basis to handle the stress in my life. So I use this kind of routine as my emergency maintenance routine. It comes in handy when I'm on the road or like this morning when I had to get up and drive my teenage son to the airport at 4.30am and don't have time for a more complete practice. I find the best time for this routine is immediately after I get out of bed in the morning.

What you will see below is several segments of the routine with some suggestions as to what to put into that time. The choice of exactly what you do is up to you. There are several options for each segment listed in my book in various places, particularly in the complete yoga and meditation routine sections.

This routine is based on these ideas. First and foremost is the idea that it is good to get our blood flowing and air moving in and out of our lungs. Secondly, as our spine is the main energy conduit of our bodies, we can get all systems working better if we move the spine in all possible directions. Although these kind of activities (getting blood and breath moving and stretching in all directions) have a positive physical benefit, we can get double the benefit if we perform them with the utmost level of awareness and self-attunement. Detailed ways to master these aspects are also included in the book "Turn Stress into Bliss". Finally, there is the idea that we are in a better position to handle our daily lives in a more calmly focused way, if we set an intention to do so. So given all that here goes!

Michael Lee's 15 Minute Daily Stress Handling Maintenance Routine

Minutes 0 to 5: Jump around! Any way you like. The purpose is to get blood flowing and breath moving. You can do jumping jacks, you can make your arms into propellers, you can dance wildly, do scissor kicks in the air, or whatever. Being more of a yoga nut, I do squats with loud and deep breathing, I do a forward hang and shake my head while making the ugliest face I can muster, I open my mouth as wide as it will go and let out a roar like a lion and shake my body like a rag doll being severely mishandled by a rambunctious three year old. The aim is to move as many different parts of your body as vigorously as you can while breathing deeply and having fun. By the end of 4 minutes you should be starting to feel a little tired from all the movement. When this happens it's time to stand still and take slow deep full breaths in, and let them out with a "Hahhhhhhhhh" sound. (Falling out breath which is described in more detail in my book.) The conscious awareness part of this exercise is to observe yourself as you go. What do you notice? Sometimes I notice myself censoring my movements. Sometimes I notice that I am more or less vigorously than usual. Sometimes I notice myself trying to answer the question "why?" about whatever I'm noticing. What I like to do is let go of any judgments of myself regardless of what I notice myself thinking. I just say to myself "So what!" and come back to the exercise.

Minutes 6 to 10: Moving the spine in all directions. Backbend, forward bend, side bends, and twists in both directions. Do one or two of each and hold for two or three deep breaths at the edge with a pause for two or three deep breaths between each. Most any yoga book or my book "Turn Stress into Bliss" will give you detailed directions for these if you need them. Beginners tend to hold the positions for less time and do two repetitions. I prefer to do just one of each posture and hold for a little longer making sure to breathe fully and deeply in the holding position and when entering and leaving the posture. Again, practice with awareness. Observe yourself and use your observations to try non-judgment and detachment. (Both great stress handling tools that you can take with you into your daily life)

Minutes 11 to 15: Meditate. Sit comfortably, breathe gently and become the witness. As I don't find meditation all that easy I use a simple mantra. It is "I watch myself breath in, I watch myself breathe out" and repeat that over and over. If you are worried about time, set a timer. I don't worry about it if I go a minute or two more or less and can judge five minutes pretty easily once I do it a few times. Again, be the witness to your whole state of being as you sit and meditate At the end of your meditation there is one last thing to do. Set your intention for the day. "Today, I see myself going about my day………..(describe)". Make it positive rather than negative. For example: "I see myself going about my day with calmness and serenity" rather than "I see myself not getting into any fights today." Also don't forget to give yourself your absolute permission to not be perfect. Make room for not being 100% with whatever you might want to create in your day. Remember there is always tomorrow and Rome wasn't built in a day.

There you have it. Be inspired and do good things for yourself every day. And if you like what you read in this blog, please do me and your friends a favor by sending them the link.

A 2009 WITHOUT STRESS - A GIFT FOR YOU

Wouldn't that be nice? No more raised voices, no more anxiety at work, days full of joy and happiness, no more money worries, and lots of time to do the things you love.

Is a life without stress possible? Can we live out our days without all the tension?
How great it would be to have some magic bullet (legal of course) that would let us reach this state. Does it exist?

Well the answer is 'probably not'. So then why bother trying? Well, I do believe we can make a significant difference. Sure, there is no magic bullet. Sure, there will always be some tension in life. In fact we probably couldn't live very well without a little tension now and again. But the kind of stress that slowly kills us, creates disease, destroys our relationships, makes each day a misery, creates headaches and aches and pains in our body – that kind of stress we can do without and we can go a long way towards eliminating from our lives.

And there is a magic bullet for this. Well kind of. It comes in the form of a gift we can give to ourselves each day and any one can do it.

It is the gift of time. Yes, time. In order to effectively manage stress in our lives requires us to take the very first step and give ourselves the gift of time.

How much time? Well that depends on how much you can afford on the one hand, and how committed you are to changing the way you manage the stress in your life. Like all gifts, it would suck if you gave yourself an hour a day and then took it away a few days later because you couldn't afford it. So be realistic. How much time can you afford to give yourself each day that you will not take back under any circumstances?

If I were really stressed out, I might be motivated enough to give myself an hour a day for a period of time.

That's what is asked of you if you take the self directed program "Turn Stress into Bliss" that is outlined in my book bearing that title and which you can buy right here from this blog. That program has been proven to work for most people most of the time. In just eight weeks you could go from pain to no pain if its stress related. You could also go from stressed out to blissed out if you follow the program all the way.

But an hour a day! That's a lot to give for some of us. So if you can't do that hour, how about just 15 minutes? Can you afford that? And if you gave yourself 15 minutes a day, how would you use it?

As my New Year's Gift to you, in my very next blog post I will outline a simple 15 minute body-mind routine for you.

So stay tuned, and in the meantime think about when you are going to receive this gift. For me and most people the very best time is first thing in the morning after we get out of bed. But choose a different time if it works better for you - as long as you get that full gift each day uninterrupted. That might mean turning the clock forward 15 minutes or using some other trick to make sure you get it.

Think about it. You make the time, and I'll give you the recipe.

CREATING CELEBRATION THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

USE YOUR POWERS OF INTENTION AND CREATIVITY

Sometimes we become victims to the Holiday Season. Holidays come with numerous expectations from others and obligations we feel we must meet. How often do you just “go along” with all that’s expected? It’s fine to do that if it can be done with love in your heart and a genuine smile on your face. If not, then perhaps it’s time to ask the BIG question: “What do I want to create for me and my loved ones this year during the Holidays?”

EXERCISE

Sit in a comfortable chair for a few minutes, close your eyes, and ponder that question. Ask it slowly and several times over to yourself. Then sit quietly and see what answers arise for you. As well as reflecting on your answers, also FEEL them in your body. Your body is often a great barometer of your truth. If an answer feels good in your body, it’s probably right on the money.

Once you get clear what it is you want to create, it’s time to start planning to make it happen. But do so with some openness and flexibility. When I asked that question for myself, one of the important things for me was being together with all of my children and grandchildren for the whole day on Christmas day. As I started to plan and talked to my adult children, I discovered it probably wasn’t going to work out as it conflicted with some of their plans. My daughter-in-law was very understanding and suggested that if we changed the day to the day before Christmas, the whole family could get together for a day of fun and togetherness. Although I would have preferred the 25^th, I settled on the 24^th and got most all of what I wanted to create and with everyone being supportive. Communication and enrolling the support of others is the last step and an important one, in the process of creating what you want.

Try it! And Happy Holidays!

MINIMIZE STRESS DURING THE HOLIDAYS

Most people, if asked, will generally tell you that holidays are a stressful time. We also often hold memories of great family gatherings, wonderful food, gifts, and togetherness when we think of holidays in years gone by.

What then, makes holiday time so stressful?

I believe it’s because we spend a lot of time DOING and only a little time BEING. The “being” part of the holidays usually happens when we are sitting around a fire, sipping hot chocolate, chatting with family or friends, and generally just hanging out and “being” together. The “doing” part involves all the lead up to the holidays – shopping for gifts, preparing food, welcoming visitors and so on.

So the key to reducing holiday stress is to maximize the “being” and minimize the “doing”.

This will require both management and awareness if you want to pull it off. First become aware of all the “doing” things around holiday time that create stress for you. Make a list. Then take each item in turn and decide how you can make each item less stressful. How can you minimize the “doing” for each item?

Here is an example. Our family recently gave up the idea of everyone buying gifts for everyone else. Instead we ALL buy a just one gift for each person. One person is assigned the task of gathering information from others on a particular family member and then going and purchasing just one gift for that person with all other family members contributing. We were surprised to find that some wonderful things happened from using this gift giving strategy. Firstly, a lot of thought went into each gift. In fact the whole family spent time “being” with each other in our thoughts, as opposed to each of us racing around numerous stores spending many frustrating hours trying to decide what to buy for each person. The plan also gave us more time to focus on other aspects of the holidays. Two family members were assigned the task of creating a Christmas Day ritual to precede the gift giving. More focus was placed on the part of the holidays that involved our “being” together and less on all the doing beforehand. Now, don’t think you have to follow our lead here and do the same in your family unless it is something you feel fits for you and yours. We each need to arrive out our very own solutions for maximizing the “being” and minimizing the “doing”. What do you think you could do that would work for you and your family?

Next week I’ll talk some more about other ways to help reduce Holiday Stress.

YOUR BODY IS YOUR FRIEND

Below is an excerpt from the book “Turn Stress Into Bliss”. It includes a short three minute exercise. There will be more of them posted here on this blog from time to time but if you want the whole program, you can buy the book now by clicking on the book link to the right.

You body is a key player in overcoming stress. But before it can help you in your quest you need to become better acquainted. It is through your body that you will learn the most and through your body that you will be able to change most everything in your life that needs to change. So just like a carpenter who goes to the hardware store and buys a new tool, early on in this program you will need to learn how to use the tool you call your body. It’s been there for as long as you have been on this planet. It has changed a lot in that time going from babyhood to adulthood. It has protected you at many stages of your life, it has adjusted to your changing ways, it has also most likely suffered from neglect or over use at various times, and it has most likely also been ignored lots of times. The first question you might ask yourself is “What kind of a relationship do I have with my body?” And before you answer it might be good to visit with your body for a while to find out what it has to say. Try this exercise. It only takes three minutes.

SELF PRESENCE EXERCISE

Sit in a comfortable chair but choose one that’s not too soft. Set the timer on your watch, a clock, or your computer for three minutes and close your eyes. You need to be able to sit fairly straight with your feet on the floor and your back long and straight but not strained. Place your hands in your lap with your palms facing upwards and the backs of your hands resting on your thighs. Begin to notice your breath entering and leaving your body. Don’t try to make any effort to change your breathing – just notice it how it is. Then notice your body as it receives your breath. Notice your feet on the floor, your legs, your hips, your buttocks, your abdomen, your chest and shoulders, your arms, your neck and your head. Then notice what its like for you to focus on your body in this way. Feel it fully… notice what it’s like to be right here right now living in this body. In particular watch for any thoughts that might creep into your awareness as you sit and simply be present to your body. Remember that there is nothing else you need to be doing other than just simply being present to your body – right now. What happens when you do that? What do you notice? Continue to watch and observe for just three minutes. That’s right – THREE WHOLE MINUTES OF DOING NOTHING EXCEPT SIT IN A CHAIR with your eyes CLOSED, BREATHE, AND NOTICE YOUR BODY AND NOTICE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO THAT – that’s all.

When you are finished you might want to write a few sentences about what happened and what you noticed. Use the comments section at the end of this blog entry if you would like to share your experience with me and other readers.

Economic Stress

With all the talk about our economy tanking along with the very real effects that some of us must be experiencing, it’s hard not to spend a lot of the day thinking, talking, complaining, or worrying about it all.

Unfortunately the more time we devote to those things, the worse we feel and the less we do to make anything all that much different.

I’ve found myself drawn into the trap lately. Just about every person I talk to for any length of time will have something to say about it. Sometimes it’s in jest but the underlying feeling is the same. The tough economic times we are going through really suck!

And that’s true. But the big question is how to not allow it to stress us out? And the next more important question is how do we adjust if we need to, to make life great again despite the woes?
I guess what I’m getting at is this. It’s important for us not to deny the reality of what is happening but it’s also important to channel our energy towards making adjustments rather than wasting time complaining about it.

For me this has meant taking a good look at the damage done to my 401K and evaluating how to adjust accordingly. It is likely I will now have much less retirement income than I had planned on. That’s a hard pill to swallow but it is what it is and I’ll have to deal with it. I’ve been looking at ways to cut back on some of my spending and also exploring ways of maybe generating a little more income.

It’s interesting that once I begin to engage in these problem solving strategies I begin to actually FEEL better. My creative juices begin to flow and I even notice myself getting a little excited by some of the possibilities I’m brainstorming. As I begin to formulate ideas, I start sharing them with my spouse and family members and they too get involved. We begin to come together as a team and share the burden we face with that “we can do this” kind of attitude.

It’s been said that there is nothing like a little adversity to bring people together to fight a common enemy.

So every time you notice yourself complaining or worrying, use that as a signal to start shifting gears and moving yourself into problem solving mode. It’s hard to do both at the same time and all the complaining does is delay the problem solving. For some this can go on until it’s way too late. Don’t let that happen to you. Also, begin to ask others close to you the question, “What can we do about this do you think?” This way you are not shouldering the burden alone and starting to help others focus on finding solutions too.