STRESS and FEAR

Fear of something, no matter what it is, can be a source of stress. And it's often very different for each of us. For a teenage girl I worked with this week, it was fear of flying. For my wife, it's fear of supermarkets. How do we deal with these so called "little fears"?

It's been said that we shouldn't sweat the petty stuff, but that's easier said than done. There are various approaches ranging from "embracing the beast" to "turning and running".

This week I had the pleasure of leading an Introduction to Aviation Week for ten students from a nearby private high school. Flying is one of my passions and so it was a great chance for me to give back something I've gained from my 20 or so years of flying airplanes. On the first day I asked them why they had chosen this particular option as part of their Pro Vita (for life) program. The responses were varied and many talked about the adventure and excitement that went with taking to the air. For Victoria though it was very different. She said she was afraid of flying. Terrified, in fact. She talked about the physical reactions in her body every time she set foot on a plane to go anywhere. She had decided that by learning more about airplanes and even getting to fly one, could be one way she would overcome it.

On the first day we went flying. The weather was not the best and it was pretty bumpy aloft. Victoria let out a scream or two as the airplane bounced around. I began to wonder if this "self therapy" she had prescribed for herself might not work out. By the third day she was much more relaxed and was beginning to enjoy the experience. By the last day of the program she was ecstatic as she took the controls and actually flew the airplane herself. In her evaluation she wrote: "Taking this course has taught me not to be afraid anymore. Because I faced my fear and allowed myself to embrace the rawest form of flying I will probably experience, I am no longer worried!" Victoria had truly "embraced the beast and tamed it".

Lori really hates supermarkets and when in one for any length of time beyond a few minutes, she experiences stress related symptoms. She feels nauseous, light headed, and unstable on her legs. If she pushes through these symptoms, she then gets a headache and by the time she gets to the checkout she's often feeling like throwing up. For many years she's tried to overcome it by "just doing it anyway". As a small child from a large family, she went several times a week to the several different supermarkets with her mother for prolonged shopping experiences armed with coupons and lists. She hated it. She felt very small inside the big store and the array of stuff on the shelves was overwhelming. The fear of not getting the best bargain was ever present and the high powered fluorescent lights tended to make her feel sick in the stomach. Every time she left a store, she inwardly wished it might be the last time she'd ever have to go into one. On the other hand, I love supermarkets. I read labels and spend additional time seeking out new products to try. I enjoy looking for the bargains, chat with the guy at the seafood counter, talk to people I meet, and generally come away feeling pleased with the experience. So in our family it's a no-brainer. I do most of the grocery shopping each week and have done for years. One of the most loving things I can do for my wife is to reassure her that she doesn't have to step foot in a supermarket again if she doesn't want to. This "stay away from the damned tiger at all costs" strategy works just fine for her.

This weekend we changed the clocks forward one hour for the return to daylight saving time. I couldn't help but notice how I chose to "hug the tiger" on Saturday night. Before going to bed I made sure all the clocks were changed, remembering how in years past when waiting until the next day to change some of the clocks and forgetting to change others, I had managed to create some panic next day around us knowing what time it really was. For me, I find that when I notice the urge to procrastinate and then consciously choose not to, it makes for a less stressful time ahead.

In these examples I have outlined above there are three common elements. They are: Awareness, Choice, and Action. If you want to know more about these in more detail there is a chapter on each in my book Turn Stress Into Bliss. To shortcut though, you can ask yourself these questions: "What are the little fears (tigers) in my life?" "What are my choices with each?" "What action do I want to take?"

So what DO you do with your "tigers" in life? What works and what doesn't?

Please pass this blog on to others if you feel it might serve them. Cheers for now.

Marriage Stress

I've heard it said that stress in relationships is a seasonal thing. For some of us the holidays tend to bring things to a head but for others it's the post holiday let down and post Valentines affect that does it. After all, no matter how well we did the Valentine affection giving, to let him or her know how much we cared, there is still that lingering feeling for those of us in long term commitments that "the lovin' just ain't what it used to be when we first got together." On top of that, at this time of year the days tend to follow a pattern and one without a whole lot of excitement.

Each day is often a repeat of the routine of the day before. Also, this year is also tougher for most than years gone by. A December survey by the Pew Research Center tells us that 85% of Americans have recently made personal spending cutbacks. I'm sure that has led to many conversations in many households about money. And I know that in my relationship, that can sometimes be a touchy topic.

Regardless of the surveys, our day to day routines, or other triggers that might lead us to believe our relationship is in a rut, we occasionally get to the point of knowing that we either need to do something to re-energize our marriage or consider the alternatives.

We got to that point sometime last fall. I can't even remember now what the trigger was but we decided we needed to do something to help re-create the closeness we both felt was not quite there like we wanted it.

In our twenty-two years together we'd had times like this before and come through to the other side so we didn't panic. At the same time neither of us felt like going to couples therapy. We'd been there and done that, and while it was of some help, we felt there had to be an easier way. Maybe a home study program, or some CD's, or a book we could share. I searched on-line and after reviewing the various options settled on a "Marriage Fitness" program offered by Mort Fertel. ( I kind of liked the sound of his name and the program description seemed to fit our values.)

We started with his free CD, and liked what we heard so ordered the set. We set aside a time each day to listen to a track or two and to decide on our "homework". We learned many things but probably the most significant was that the quality of our relationship was well within our control and that we really needed to do some very specific things to feed it if we wanted it to flourish. Duh!

OK, we might have known that if we'd taken the time to think about it. But what we didn't know was some very specific and well tested steps to take to improve the "fitness" or our marriage. Mort gave us some of those and they really made a difference. He also offers a "Marriage Boot Camp" using teleconferences. We haven't done that one yet but if ever we hit the rocks again, we just might.

When I look back I also give each of us some credit for taking the time to acknowledge a problem and take some action. This comes down to Awareness and Intention. To bring these things to the forefront of our life experience required us to be willing to "self observe" without judgment or blame and then take the next step. I'm grateful for my years of yoga and meditation training that I believe makes it much easier for me to do that. I'm also pleased that we are both mature enough to put our egos aside when we have a problem. We were able admit to ourselves and to each other that, despite our years of focus on spiritual living, there are times when we need outside help and need to do some more learning. It reminds me of a quote I heard many years ago. "(S)he who is not busy being born is busy dying." I just can't remember who said it. Anyone know?

MORE TIPS ON BEATING HOLIDAY STRESS

1. Take time for Transitions

One of the ways to crank up the stress level over the holidays is to go from one activity or place to another without any transition time. It’s easy to do. I know some people who feel obliged to visit four or more different relatives on Christmas day and drag their children along. If this fits your profile you might want to do a little “time management” now and make plans to spend some in-between time doing nothing. Or better still, spread the visits out over several days or weekend days before or after the holidays and use some time to just chill at home enjoying your immediate family.

2. Get outside often and exercise a little too

Cabin fever usually sets in at holiday time. We don’t get outdoors much and we don’t breathe a whole lot of fresh air. Just 10 minutes a day outside – either walking, skiing, snow shoeing, or just simply playing in the snow or watching your garden not grow will do it. And while you are out there try a little deep breathing. Get some of that beautiful crisp winter air flowing into your lungs and enjoy it.

3. Remember what the Holidays are about and show up accordingly

One family I know has a huge Christmas dinner every year. Mom slaves in the kitchen for days to make it happen. By the time the dinner is in the oven she is exhausted and cranky. Family members avoid the kitchen in order to avoid Mom. She does manage to pull it together when she finally sits at the table but you can tell she’s been very stressed and not happy for quite a while and it tends to rub off. By all means do the big production for a holiday meal if you can do it without too much effort and retain a positive composure. But if you can’t, then try something different that will give you time to be with the people you want to celebrate with, and to show up for them with love and peace in your heart.

Happy Holidays!

READ MY LAST WEEKS BLOG POST ON “HOLIDAY STRESS” below if you haven’t already and look for one more update on the subject next week before it’s show time for this year.