THE STRESS OF PARENTING

"When you think about it, being a parent is very much like a 90 minute strenuous yoga routine, only expanded into 20 years or more. You come up against all kinds of edges, find numerous opportunities to find out how to be present to what is happening, and find out a lot about yourself in the process. ….

... Parenting in the 21^st century is also very different from any other time in history. Only 50 years or so ago, we could almost predict that things would not change a lot from one generation to another. Not so now. Children of today, by the time they become teenagers, are probably much more adept at accessing information about anything, than both parents combined. Old systems of control used for generations of parenting, no longer apply. How can you control someone who has more information about everything than you do? It's a set up for failure.

Instead, parents must learn how to be enrollers and know how to inspire their offspring into playing a game of life that works and offers results worth achieving. "

THE ABOVE EXCERPT is taken from the Chapter on Parenting in my first book Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy: Bridge from Body Soul published in 1997. As I read it I realize that what I wrote about then, is not only still relevant some 12 years later, but is even more ( and sometimes painfully) true. In reading further I also realize that the suggestion I made then around how to deal with the many issues faced by modern parents, also still applies. Here's the essence of what I suggested then.

"…it's not so much what I do as a parent that matters as much as how I be. " p.161

And the good news is that I really do have some control over how I "be" and how I show up in my day to day relationships. For me, I don't talk to a single person in the morning until I've done at least 10 to 15 minutes of moving my body, breathing, and centering myself. I know from years of experience that this one simple thing makes a huge difference in how I show up. I also know I need to focus my mind and put my best foot forward. If I don't, that same foot will probably end up in my mouth before breakfast is over.

To me, part of getting centered as a parent, means bringing to focus all the love I feel for each member of my family. It only takes a few minutes and can even be done while washing face, combing hair or brushing teeth. I simply make a mental picture of each member of the household, and in my mind's eye, "pour out the love" to each in turn. It sounds simple and it is… but it's also very powerful. How do you prepare yourself on the inside for a day of parenting? Try my approach if you want, or create your own. But remember, parenting is a job that not only needs all the everyday skills you can muster, it also needs some inner preparation and focus if you hope to avoid or deal with much of the stress involved.

It's hard to believe that first book I wrote Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy: Bridge from Body Soul is still in print and still selling. If you want your copy you can get it at TheYogaShop.com

A big welcome to all my new subscribers who joined this week. If you like what you read, please do me and your friends a favor and forward this blog to them. I promise it won't take long to read, there's no hard selling, and each post will contain at least one simple thing that could make a difference to your life. My primary purpose in writing here, is to share with you some of the things (mostly processes), that I've learned so far in my life, that really do work.

Your 15 Minute Stress Buster

OK, as I promised in my last blog post here is a simple fifteen minute routine for you. But first the disclaimer. This is what I consider for myself as the "bare minimum" to maintain the balance I need on a daily basis to handle the stress in my life. So I use this kind of routine as my emergency maintenance routine. It comes in handy when I'm on the road or like this morning when I had to get up and drive my teenage son to the airport at 4.30am and don't have time for a more complete practice. I find the best time for this routine is immediately after I get out of bed in the morning.

What you will see below is several segments of the routine with some suggestions as to what to put into that time. The choice of exactly what you do is up to you. There are several options for each segment listed in my book in various places, particularly in the complete yoga and meditation routine sections.

This routine is based on these ideas. First and foremost is the idea that it is good to get our blood flowing and air moving in and out of our lungs. Secondly, as our spine is the main energy conduit of our bodies, we can get all systems working better if we move the spine in all possible directions. Although these kind of activities (getting blood and breath moving and stretching in all directions) have a positive physical benefit, we can get double the benefit if we perform them with the utmost level of awareness and self-attunement. Detailed ways to master these aspects are also included in the book "Turn Stress into Bliss". Finally, there is the idea that we are in a better position to handle our daily lives in a more calmly focused way, if we set an intention to do so. So given all that here goes!

Michael Lee's 15 Minute Daily Stress Handling Maintenance Routine

Minutes 0 to 5: Jump around! Any way you like. The purpose is to get blood flowing and breath moving. You can do jumping jacks, you can make your arms into propellers, you can dance wildly, do scissor kicks in the air, or whatever. Being more of a yoga nut, I do squats with loud and deep breathing, I do a forward hang and shake my head while making the ugliest face I can muster, I open my mouth as wide as it will go and let out a roar like a lion and shake my body like a rag doll being severely mishandled by a rambunctious three year old. The aim is to move as many different parts of your body as vigorously as you can while breathing deeply and having fun. By the end of 4 minutes you should be starting to feel a little tired from all the movement. When this happens it's time to stand still and take slow deep full breaths in, and let them out with a "Hahhhhhhhhh" sound. (Falling out breath which is described in more detail in my book.) The conscious awareness part of this exercise is to observe yourself as you go. What do you notice? Sometimes I notice myself censoring my movements. Sometimes I notice that I am more or less vigorously than usual. Sometimes I notice myself trying to answer the question "why?" about whatever I'm noticing. What I like to do is let go of any judgments of myself regardless of what I notice myself thinking. I just say to myself "So what!" and come back to the exercise.

Minutes 6 to 10: Moving the spine in all directions. Backbend, forward bend, side bends, and twists in both directions. Do one or two of each and hold for two or three deep breaths at the edge with a pause for two or three deep breaths between each. Most any yoga book or my book "Turn Stress into Bliss" will give you detailed directions for these if you need them. Beginners tend to hold the positions for less time and do two repetitions. I prefer to do just one of each posture and hold for a little longer making sure to breathe fully and deeply in the holding position and when entering and leaving the posture. Again, practice with awareness. Observe yourself and use your observations to try non-judgment and detachment. (Both great stress handling tools that you can take with you into your daily life)

Minutes 11 to 15: Meditate. Sit comfortably, breathe gently and become the witness. As I don't find meditation all that easy I use a simple mantra. It is "I watch myself breath in, I watch myself breathe out" and repeat that over and over. If you are worried about time, set a timer. I don't worry about it if I go a minute or two more or less and can judge five minutes pretty easily once I do it a few times. Again, be the witness to your whole state of being as you sit and meditate At the end of your meditation there is one last thing to do. Set your intention for the day. "Today, I see myself going about my day………..(describe)". Make it positive rather than negative. For example: "I see myself going about my day with calmness and serenity" rather than "I see myself not getting into any fights today." Also don't forget to give yourself your absolute permission to not be perfect. Make room for not being 100% with whatever you might want to create in your day. Remember there is always tomorrow and Rome wasn't built in a day.

There you have it. Be inspired and do good things for yourself every day. And if you like what you read in this blog, please do me and your friends a favor by sending them the link.

When you Fall over the Edge

Despite our best intentions around the Holidays (see last week’s blog post), we are going to inevitably fall short of manifesting what we might intend. Example: You are committed to creating serene and peaceful home environment during the holidays, but one morning for no “apparent” reason, you find yourself yelling at one of your children. The serenity disappears, hurt frowns appear on faces, everyone feels a little jarred into another reality, and you feel awful for creating such a mess with just a few harsh words. What do you do?
Well it’s kind of like spilling milk on the floor. You can’t magically get it back in the container. You just have to clean it up and let go of it. You could dwell on it for the rest of the day but would that really serve you or anyone else? Probably not! So if you find yourself in this situation here’s a simple strategy for letting go and moving on.
First, be aware of what happened and what you did so you can make a few simple sentences to accurately describe the event. Example: I was frustrated trying to get breakfast for everyone and John refused to respond to my request for him to empty the dishwasher. I got angry and yelled at him.
Next, accept that you got angry. It might not be the part of you that you like the most, but it does happen. There is nothing wrong with anger either. It’s a legitimate feeling. On the other hand you do have a choice around how you express it and perhaps yelling at someone you love is not your most preferred choice. You can make a simple statement to explain this. Example: “John, I’m sorry I yelled at you. I was angry that you didn’t respond when I asked and I could have just talked to you rather than yelling. Please accept my apology for the way I handled my anger.” (Notice you are not apologizing for being angry but for the WAY YOU HANDLED your anger.)
Finally, reaffirm and express to others your intention. Example: “I’d like us to create a peaceful and loving household this Christmas and the way I just spoke to John didn’t help. I’d like to get back on track with my intention and could use your forgiveness and support. Thanks.”
Remember, we didn’t learn to ride a bicycle by never falling off and even when we’ve mastered it we can still have the odd skid and crash. When you fall, just get up, dust off, and climb right back on – hopefully with a smile. Have fun and enjoy the Holidays.

YOUR BODY IS YOUR FRIEND

Below is an excerpt from the book “Turn Stress Into Bliss”. It includes a short three minute exercise. There will be more of them posted here on this blog from time to time but if you want the whole program, you can buy the book now by clicking on the book link to the right.

You body is a key player in overcoming stress. But before it can help you in your quest you need to become better acquainted. It is through your body that you will learn the most and through your body that you will be able to change most everything in your life that needs to change. So just like a carpenter who goes to the hardware store and buys a new tool, early on in this program you will need to learn how to use the tool you call your body. It’s been there for as long as you have been on this planet. It has changed a lot in that time going from babyhood to adulthood. It has protected you at many stages of your life, it has adjusted to your changing ways, it has also most likely suffered from neglect or over use at various times, and it has most likely also been ignored lots of times. The first question you might ask yourself is “What kind of a relationship do I have with my body?” And before you answer it might be good to visit with your body for a while to find out what it has to say. Try this exercise. It only takes three minutes.

SELF PRESENCE EXERCISE

Sit in a comfortable chair but choose one that’s not too soft. Set the timer on your watch, a clock, or your computer for three minutes and close your eyes. You need to be able to sit fairly straight with your feet on the floor and your back long and straight but not strained. Place your hands in your lap with your palms facing upwards and the backs of your hands resting on your thighs. Begin to notice your breath entering and leaving your body. Don’t try to make any effort to change your breathing – just notice it how it is. Then notice your body as it receives your breath. Notice your feet on the floor, your legs, your hips, your buttocks, your abdomen, your chest and shoulders, your arms, your neck and your head. Then notice what its like for you to focus on your body in this way. Feel it fully… notice what it’s like to be right here right now living in this body. In particular watch for any thoughts that might creep into your awareness as you sit and simply be present to your body. Remember that there is nothing else you need to be doing other than just simply being present to your body – right now. What happens when you do that? What do you notice? Continue to watch and observe for just three minutes. That’s right – THREE WHOLE MINUTES OF DOING NOTHING EXCEPT SIT IN A CHAIR with your eyes CLOSED, BREATHE, AND NOTICE YOUR BODY AND NOTICE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO THAT – that’s all.

When you are finished you might want to write a few sentences about what happened and what you noticed. Use the comments section at the end of this blog entry if you would like to share your experience with me and other readers.

Get Outside and Enjoy the Fall

One of the best ways to reduce stress is to get outside and take a walk. (Every day if you can.) At this time of year the fall color here in the North East is a great inspiration for being outside and enjoying what nature turns on for us. Follow the foliage report for your area and make sure to get out there and enjoy it. Here is the guide for Maine in case you have any vacation time right now. Many areas will be at peak here this week.

The Weekly New England Travel and Vacation Gazette: The Latest Maine Fall Foliage Updates