Stress between Partners

What is the main source for stress between you and your spouse or partner? Is it around money, or household chores, children or something else? As no two people are alike and have the same needs and wants at a particular stage of their life, there are bound to be differences from time to time that cause stress in the relationship. What do we do when that happens? How do we minimize the damage and get our relationship back on track?

I'm at the age at which most of my peers are empty nesters and are long free from child rearing responsibilities. Not me. I have an eight year old, the last of my five children, needing lots of my energy and attention. I would be lying if I didn't admit that, at times, this responsibility takes me away from other things I might prefer to be doing. The same is true for my wife.

This "dissonance" that we both feel at times, led at first to frustrations that seemed to be directed toward each other. While not outright blaming each other for our plight, there were times when one or the other of us felt the pressure and wished the other would take up more of the responsibility. Of course this was a futile wish. We were in it together, had chosen our life the way it was, and really had to deal with it. We also love our daughter very much and often count the blessings she has brought to our lives and know we are lucky to have her in our lives. We needed to apply our creativity to our "issue" and not allow it to take us down a path of increased stress and tension between us.

We sat down together and the first thing we did was to ADMIT that we had some difficulties around this issue. We took time to listen to each other tell their story about how it affected their life. We were careful not to interrupt while the other spoke and we listened with patience and compassion.

We then asked ourselves what we AGREED upon in relation to this issue and compiled a list. Here it is.

We agreed that we loved our daughter and that despite our age at the time of her birth, she deserved our full and complete loving attention when she needed it. We also agreed that we loved each other and wanted to stay married, even if sometimes we were jealous of some of our single parent friends who passed the torch of responsibility back and forth with their former spouses, and gained some uninterrupted free time every so often. The final thing we agreed on was probably the most significant. We agreed that we each needed some free time to ourselves to devote to those things in life that were also important to us.

Next, we decided to apply some creative thinking to our situation so that all THREE of us could get what we needed. We came up with a plan that involved writing up a calendar with "days on" and "days off" for each of us, as well as times when we would all be together, and also times when we parents would have a date together and are both free of immediate responsibility. All this was entered on our calendar for a month "try out".

I'm pleased to say our plan worked and the results are better that either of us expected. We both feel less stressed and more in control of our lives. We each get to do some of the things we thought we might not be able to. Our daughter is happier and gets the best of both of us. And we have a lot more fun, when we are all together and when we are not.

So your situation may be very different from ours and may give rise to very different issues. However the PROCESS you use to resolve it can be basically the same as ours. So here are the steps in that process.

1. ADMIT to the problem and ask you partner to do likewise. (Note: you may each see the problem differently but try to formulate a joint statement that describes it for both of you, even if you disagree. e.g. "We disagree on how much money to spend each month on our food bill."
   
2. LISTEN to each others story on the problem or situation without interrupting and with some compassion for each other
   
3. Make a list of what you AGREE on in relation to the issue.
   
4. Apply CREATIVE THINKING to come up with a solution that you can both agree upon to solve the problem.
   
5. Set up a ONE MONTH trial for your solution.
   
6. At the end of the month, evaluate the outcome and decide to continue or to scrap it and come up with a new and different approach by starting this process over again from the BEGINNING. (Each step is important so don't skip any).
   

There is one other important element that I did not mention but that is also critical to a plan like this working out. Each partner must take full responsibility for their personal well being so they can fully participate in the solution. Sounds simple but it really requires focus. For me to fully present as a parent, I need to do certain things on a daily basis that will help me with my game. Just like an athlete training for a marathon. For me this means morning yoga and meditation on a daily basis. It means eating well and getting enough rest. It also means practicing conscious awareness in all my relationships, especially those with my family members. Doing these things gives any plan I commit to, a high percentage chance of success. Ask yourself what you need to do on a daily basis to bring your best game to all the day to day responsibilities you have. Here's to Life! Let's enjoy it to the fullest!