Am I stressed?

I often get asked questions like "What is stress?", "How would I know if I am stressed or not?", and my favorite, "What's the definition of stress?" That last one is usually asked by someone who likes to figure things out. If they can just get a solid scientific definition, they'll be able to figure it out. Well that may be true, but I prefer a much simpler approach. Whenever I get asked these questions, I usually don't answer them. Instead I ask a question of my own. One which I've found very reliable in helping someone determine if they are stressed or not.

And that question is: "Tell me about the last time you had REAL FUN?"

Go ahead – think about your answer to that question before reading further.

Responses vary. Some people immediately smile and begin to tell me about some exciting adventure or some hilarious recent episode in their life. Others have to think about it for a while before remembering an event. A few look blank and can't remember any recent fun. And a few others glare at me and demand, "Can you define for me what you mean by fun?"

Fun is not exactly the same as bliss but it's in the same family. If you are stressed out, bliss will be hard to come by, and often fun will be scarce as well. So if your answer to that question didn't immediately make you smile as you recalled a recent fun memory, you might want to ask this question. "What's in the way of me having more fun in my life?"

Now in answer to that question, many folks will blame someone or something as being responsible for their lack of fun. It might be a spouse, a job, kids, time, the economy, life in general, or any number of good causes worthy of taking the hit. If your answer included any of these you need to ask this one. "What do I need to do to create fun in my life and why am I letting my excuse stop me?"

Often stress and lack of fun come from the same source. We are not managing our lives but instead are being swept down the stream of life by a tide of circumstance. If this applies to you and you are aware of it, you are way ahead of the game. Many people are not.

If you are aware and you want to change it, here are some tips for dealing with stress in your life.

First, don't rush to a solution. Instead follow this process to find one. Too often we take drastic and immediate action to change things and sometimes create more stress as a result. Instead, make some time, and take some time, on a daily basis to do some reflection – even if it's only 10 minutes a day.

Sit in a quiet place and begin by emptying your mind. Close your eyes and focus on your breath and simply sit for a while you as you breathe in and out. Just notice your breath, nothing else. If you start thinking about anything, notice that it happened and then come immediately back to your breath. After 10 minutes of this, take your journal (buy one today if you don't already have one) and write your answers to these questions. "What do I notice about myself and my life? What's working for me? What's not working? What would I like to change?"

The very best answers to these big questions will come after you've sat in stillness and relaxed for a while. The very worst answers will come when you are stressed, angry, fearful, or busy. Cheers!

Do this every day for a week and on the last day of the week read back what you've written and ask "What have I learned this week?" Write about that.

You may have to repeat this process a few times but at some point you will get increased clarity and a firmer commitment to make some changes that will be better for you. You will be the one to begin removing stress from your life and having fun again. Try it, even if you think your are on top of everything.

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Marriage Stress

I've heard it said that stress in relationships is a seasonal thing. For some of us the holidays tend to bring things to a head but for others it's the post holiday let down and post Valentines affect that does it. After all, no matter how well we did the Valentine affection giving, to let him or her know how much we cared, there is still that lingering feeling for those of us in long term commitments that "the lovin' just ain't what it used to be when we first got together." On top of that, at this time of year the days tend to follow a pattern and one without a whole lot of excitement.

Each day is often a repeat of the routine of the day before. Also, this year is also tougher for most than years gone by. A December survey by the Pew Research Center tells us that 85% of Americans have recently made personal spending cutbacks. I'm sure that has led to many conversations in many households about money. And I know that in my relationship, that can sometimes be a touchy topic.

Regardless of the surveys, our day to day routines, or other triggers that might lead us to believe our relationship is in a rut, we occasionally get to the point of knowing that we either need to do something to re-energize our marriage or consider the alternatives.

We got to that point sometime last fall. I can't even remember now what the trigger was but we decided we needed to do something to help re-create the closeness we both felt was not quite there like we wanted it.

In our twenty-two years together we'd had times like this before and come through to the other side so we didn't panic. At the same time neither of us felt like going to couples therapy. We'd been there and done that, and while it was of some help, we felt there had to be an easier way. Maybe a home study program, or some CD's, or a book we could share. I searched on-line and after reviewing the various options settled on a "Marriage Fitness" program offered by Mort Fertel. ( I kind of liked the sound of his name and the program description seemed to fit our values.)

We started with his free CD, and liked what we heard so ordered the set. We set aside a time each day to listen to a track or two and to decide on our "homework". We learned many things but probably the most significant was that the quality of our relationship was well within our control and that we really needed to do some very specific things to feed it if we wanted it to flourish. Duh!

OK, we might have known that if we'd taken the time to think about it. But what we didn't know was some very specific and well tested steps to take to improve the "fitness" or our marriage. Mort gave us some of those and they really made a difference. He also offers a "Marriage Boot Camp" using teleconferences. We haven't done that one yet but if ever we hit the rocks again, we just might.

When I look back I also give each of us some credit for taking the time to acknowledge a problem and take some action. This comes down to Awareness and Intention. To bring these things to the forefront of our life experience required us to be willing to "self observe" without judgment or blame and then take the next step. I'm grateful for my years of yoga and meditation training that I believe makes it much easier for me to do that. I'm also pleased that we are both mature enough to put our egos aside when we have a problem. We were able admit to ourselves and to each other that, despite our years of focus on spiritual living, there are times when we need outside help and need to do some more learning. It reminds me of a quote I heard many years ago. "(S)he who is not busy being born is busy dying." I just can't remember who said it. Anyone know?

THE STRESS OF PARENTING

"When you think about it, being a parent is very much like a 90 minute strenuous yoga routine, only expanded into 20 years or more. You come up against all kinds of edges, find numerous opportunities to find out how to be present to what is happening, and find out a lot about yourself in the process. ….

... Parenting in the 21^st century is also very different from any other time in history. Only 50 years or so ago, we could almost predict that things would not change a lot from one generation to another. Not so now. Children of today, by the time they become teenagers, are probably much more adept at accessing information about anything, than both parents combined. Old systems of control used for generations of parenting, no longer apply. How can you control someone who has more information about everything than you do? It's a set up for failure.

Instead, parents must learn how to be enrollers and know how to inspire their offspring into playing a game of life that works and offers results worth achieving. "

THE ABOVE EXCERPT is taken from the Chapter on Parenting in my first book Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy: Bridge from Body Soul published in 1997. As I read it I realize that what I wrote about then, is not only still relevant some 12 years later, but is even more ( and sometimes painfully) true. In reading further I also realize that the suggestion I made then around how to deal with the many issues faced by modern parents, also still applies. Here's the essence of what I suggested then.

"…it's not so much what I do as a parent that matters as much as how I be. " p.161

And the good news is that I really do have some control over how I "be" and how I show up in my day to day relationships. For me, I don't talk to a single person in the morning until I've done at least 10 to 15 minutes of moving my body, breathing, and centering myself. I know from years of experience that this one simple thing makes a huge difference in how I show up. I also know I need to focus my mind and put my best foot forward. If I don't, that same foot will probably end up in my mouth before breakfast is over.

To me, part of getting centered as a parent, means bringing to focus all the love I feel for each member of my family. It only takes a few minutes and can even be done while washing face, combing hair or brushing teeth. I simply make a mental picture of each member of the household, and in my mind's eye, "pour out the love" to each in turn. It sounds simple and it is… but it's also very powerful. How do you prepare yourself on the inside for a day of parenting? Try my approach if you want, or create your own. But remember, parenting is a job that not only needs all the everyday skills you can muster, it also needs some inner preparation and focus if you hope to avoid or deal with much of the stress involved.

It's hard to believe that first book I wrote Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy: Bridge from Body Soul is still in print and still selling. If you want your copy you can get it at TheYogaShop.com

A big welcome to all my new subscribers who joined this week. If you like what you read, please do me and your friends a favor and forward this blog to them. I promise it won't take long to read, there's no hard selling, and each post will contain at least one simple thing that could make a difference to your life. My primary purpose in writing here, is to share with you some of the things (mostly processes), that I've learned so far in my life, that really do work.

Stress between Partners

What is the main source for stress between you and your spouse or partner? Is it around money, or household chores, children or something else? As no two people are alike and have the same needs and wants at a particular stage of their life, there are bound to be differences from time to time that cause stress in the relationship. What do we do when that happens? How do we minimize the damage and get our relationship back on track?

I'm at the age at which most of my peers are empty nesters and are long free from child rearing responsibilities. Not me. I have an eight year old, the last of my five children, needing lots of my energy and attention. I would be lying if I didn't admit that, at times, this responsibility takes me away from other things I might prefer to be doing. The same is true for my wife.

This "dissonance" that we both feel at times, led at first to frustrations that seemed to be directed toward each other. While not outright blaming each other for our plight, there were times when one or the other of us felt the pressure and wished the other would take up more of the responsibility. Of course this was a futile wish. We were in it together, had chosen our life the way it was, and really had to deal with it. We also love our daughter very much and often count the blessings she has brought to our lives and know we are lucky to have her in our lives. We needed to apply our creativity to our "issue" and not allow it to take us down a path of increased stress and tension between us.

We sat down together and the first thing we did was to ADMIT that we had some difficulties around this issue. We took time to listen to each other tell their story about how it affected their life. We were careful not to interrupt while the other spoke and we listened with patience and compassion.

We then asked ourselves what we AGREED upon in relation to this issue and compiled a list. Here it is.

We agreed that we loved our daughter and that despite our age at the time of her birth, she deserved our full and complete loving attention when she needed it. We also agreed that we loved each other and wanted to stay married, even if sometimes we were jealous of some of our single parent friends who passed the torch of responsibility back and forth with their former spouses, and gained some uninterrupted free time every so often. The final thing we agreed on was probably the most significant. We agreed that we each needed some free time to ourselves to devote to those things in life that were also important to us.

Next, we decided to apply some creative thinking to our situation so that all THREE of us could get what we needed. We came up with a plan that involved writing up a calendar with "days on" and "days off" for each of us, as well as times when we would all be together, and also times when we parents would have a date together and are both free of immediate responsibility. All this was entered on our calendar for a month "try out".

I'm pleased to say our plan worked and the results are better that either of us expected. We both feel less stressed and more in control of our lives. We each get to do some of the things we thought we might not be able to. Our daughter is happier and gets the best of both of us. And we have a lot more fun, when we are all together and when we are not.

So your situation may be very different from ours and may give rise to very different issues. However the PROCESS you use to resolve it can be basically the same as ours. So here are the steps in that process.

1. ADMIT to the problem and ask you partner to do likewise. (Note: you may each see the problem differently but try to formulate a joint statement that describes it for both of you, even if you disagree. e.g. "We disagree on how much money to spend each month on our food bill."
   
2. LISTEN to each others story on the problem or situation without interrupting and with some compassion for each other
   
3. Make a list of what you AGREE on in relation to the issue.
   
4. Apply CREATIVE THINKING to come up with a solution that you can both agree upon to solve the problem.
   
5. Set up a ONE MONTH trial for your solution.
   
6. At the end of the month, evaluate the outcome and decide to continue or to scrap it and come up with a new and different approach by starting this process over again from the BEGINNING. (Each step is important so don't skip any).
   

There is one other important element that I did not mention but that is also critical to a plan like this working out. Each partner must take full responsibility for their personal well being so they can fully participate in the solution. Sounds simple but it really requires focus. For me to fully present as a parent, I need to do certain things on a daily basis that will help me with my game. Just like an athlete training for a marathon. For me this means morning yoga and meditation on a daily basis. It means eating well and getting enough rest. It also means practicing conscious awareness in all my relationships, especially those with my family members. Doing these things gives any plan I commit to, a high percentage chance of success. Ask yourself what you need to do on a daily basis to bring your best game to all the day to day responsibilities you have. Here's to Life! Let's enjoy it to the fullest!