Am I stressed?

I often get asked questions like "What is stress?", "How would I know if I am stressed or not?", and my favorite, "What's the definition of stress?" That last one is usually asked by someone who likes to figure things out. If they can just get a solid scientific definition, they'll be able to figure it out. Well that may be true, but I prefer a much simpler approach. Whenever I get asked these questions, I usually don't answer them. Instead I ask a question of my own. One which I've found very reliable in helping someone determine if they are stressed or not.

And that question is: "Tell me about the last time you had REAL FUN?"

Go ahead – think about your answer to that question before reading further.

Responses vary. Some people immediately smile and begin to tell me about some exciting adventure or some hilarious recent episode in their life. Others have to think about it for a while before remembering an event. A few look blank and can't remember any recent fun. And a few others glare at me and demand, "Can you define for me what you mean by fun?"

Fun is not exactly the same as bliss but it's in the same family. If you are stressed out, bliss will be hard to come by, and often fun will be scarce as well. So if your answer to that question didn't immediately make you smile as you recalled a recent fun memory, you might want to ask this question. "What's in the way of me having more fun in my life?"

Now in answer to that question, many folks will blame someone or something as being responsible for their lack of fun. It might be a spouse, a job, kids, time, the economy, life in general, or any number of good causes worthy of taking the hit. If your answer included any of these you need to ask this one. "What do I need to do to create fun in my life and why am I letting my excuse stop me?"

Often stress and lack of fun come from the same source. We are not managing our lives but instead are being swept down the stream of life by a tide of circumstance. If this applies to you and you are aware of it, you are way ahead of the game. Many people are not.

If you are aware and you want to change it, here are some tips for dealing with stress in your life.

First, don't rush to a solution. Instead follow this process to find one. Too often we take drastic and immediate action to change things and sometimes create more stress as a result. Instead, make some time, and take some time, on a daily basis to do some reflection – even if it's only 10 minutes a day.

Sit in a quiet place and begin by emptying your mind. Close your eyes and focus on your breath and simply sit for a while you as you breathe in and out. Just notice your breath, nothing else. If you start thinking about anything, notice that it happened and then come immediately back to your breath. After 10 minutes of this, take your journal (buy one today if you don't already have one) and write your answers to these questions. "What do I notice about myself and my life? What's working for me? What's not working? What would I like to change?"

The very best answers to these big questions will come after you've sat in stillness and relaxed for a while. The very worst answers will come when you are stressed, angry, fearful, or busy. Cheers!

Do this every day for a week and on the last day of the week read back what you've written and ask "What have I learned this week?" Write about that.

You may have to repeat this process a few times but at some point you will get increased clarity and a firmer commitment to make some changes that will be better for you. You will be the one to begin removing stress from your life and having fun again. Try it, even if you think your are on top of everything.

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Stress between Partners

What is the main source for stress between you and your spouse or partner? Is it around money, or household chores, children or something else? As no two people are alike and have the same needs and wants at a particular stage of their life, there are bound to be differences from time to time that cause stress in the relationship. What do we do when that happens? How do we minimize the damage and get our relationship back on track?

I'm at the age at which most of my peers are empty nesters and are long free from child rearing responsibilities. Not me. I have an eight year old, the last of my five children, needing lots of my energy and attention. I would be lying if I didn't admit that, at times, this responsibility takes me away from other things I might prefer to be doing. The same is true for my wife.

This "dissonance" that we both feel at times, led at first to frustrations that seemed to be directed toward each other. While not outright blaming each other for our plight, there were times when one or the other of us felt the pressure and wished the other would take up more of the responsibility. Of course this was a futile wish. We were in it together, had chosen our life the way it was, and really had to deal with it. We also love our daughter very much and often count the blessings she has brought to our lives and know we are lucky to have her in our lives. We needed to apply our creativity to our "issue" and not allow it to take us down a path of increased stress and tension between us.

We sat down together and the first thing we did was to ADMIT that we had some difficulties around this issue. We took time to listen to each other tell their story about how it affected their life. We were careful not to interrupt while the other spoke and we listened with patience and compassion.

We then asked ourselves what we AGREED upon in relation to this issue and compiled a list. Here it is.

We agreed that we loved our daughter and that despite our age at the time of her birth, she deserved our full and complete loving attention when she needed it. We also agreed that we loved each other and wanted to stay married, even if sometimes we were jealous of some of our single parent friends who passed the torch of responsibility back and forth with their former spouses, and gained some uninterrupted free time every so often. The final thing we agreed on was probably the most significant. We agreed that we each needed some free time to ourselves to devote to those things in life that were also important to us.

Next, we decided to apply some creative thinking to our situation so that all THREE of us could get what we needed. We came up with a plan that involved writing up a calendar with "days on" and "days off" for each of us, as well as times when we would all be together, and also times when we parents would have a date together and are both free of immediate responsibility. All this was entered on our calendar for a month "try out".

I'm pleased to say our plan worked and the results are better that either of us expected. We both feel less stressed and more in control of our lives. We each get to do some of the things we thought we might not be able to. Our daughter is happier and gets the best of both of us. And we have a lot more fun, when we are all together and when we are not.

So your situation may be very different from ours and may give rise to very different issues. However the PROCESS you use to resolve it can be basically the same as ours. So here are the steps in that process.

1. ADMIT to the problem and ask you partner to do likewise. (Note: you may each see the problem differently but try to formulate a joint statement that describes it for both of you, even if you disagree. e.g. "We disagree on how much money to spend each month on our food bill."
   
2. LISTEN to each others story on the problem or situation without interrupting and with some compassion for each other
   
3. Make a list of what you AGREE on in relation to the issue.
   
4. Apply CREATIVE THINKING to come up with a solution that you can both agree upon to solve the problem.
   
5. Set up a ONE MONTH trial for your solution.
   
6. At the end of the month, evaluate the outcome and decide to continue or to scrap it and come up with a new and different approach by starting this process over again from the BEGINNING. (Each step is important so don't skip any).
   

There is one other important element that I did not mention but that is also critical to a plan like this working out. Each partner must take full responsibility for their personal well being so they can fully participate in the solution. Sounds simple but it really requires focus. For me to fully present as a parent, I need to do certain things on a daily basis that will help me with my game. Just like an athlete training for a marathon. For me this means morning yoga and meditation on a daily basis. It means eating well and getting enough rest. It also means practicing conscious awareness in all my relationships, especially those with my family members. Doing these things gives any plan I commit to, a high percentage chance of success. Ask yourself what you need to do on a daily basis to bring your best game to all the day to day responsibilities you have. Here's to Life! Let's enjoy it to the fullest!

Economic Stress

With all the talk about our economy tanking along with the very real effects that some of us must be experiencing, it’s hard not to spend a lot of the day thinking, talking, complaining, or worrying about it all.

Unfortunately the more time we devote to those things, the worse we feel and the less we do to make anything all that much different.

I’ve found myself drawn into the trap lately. Just about every person I talk to for any length of time will have something to say about it. Sometimes it’s in jest but the underlying feeling is the same. The tough economic times we are going through really suck!

And that’s true. But the big question is how to not allow it to stress us out? And the next more important question is how do we adjust if we need to, to make life great again despite the woes?
I guess what I’m getting at is this. It’s important for us not to deny the reality of what is happening but it’s also important to channel our energy towards making adjustments rather than wasting time complaining about it.

For me this has meant taking a good look at the damage done to my 401K and evaluating how to adjust accordingly. It is likely I will now have much less retirement income than I had planned on. That’s a hard pill to swallow but it is what it is and I’ll have to deal with it. I’ve been looking at ways to cut back on some of my spending and also exploring ways of maybe generating a little more income.

It’s interesting that once I begin to engage in these problem solving strategies I begin to actually FEEL better. My creative juices begin to flow and I even notice myself getting a little excited by some of the possibilities I’m brainstorming. As I begin to formulate ideas, I start sharing them with my spouse and family members and they too get involved. We begin to come together as a team and share the burden we face with that “we can do this” kind of attitude.

It’s been said that there is nothing like a little adversity to bring people together to fight a common enemy.

So every time you notice yourself complaining or worrying, use that as a signal to start shifting gears and moving yourself into problem solving mode. It’s hard to do both at the same time and all the complaining does is delay the problem solving. For some this can go on until it’s way too late. Don’t let that happen to you. Also, begin to ask others close to you the question, “What can we do about this do you think?” This way you are not shouldering the burden alone and starting to help others focus on finding solutions too.

Essential Vitamins and Minerals

Last year my wife got Lyme disease. This disease has affected millions and is sometimes very hard to combat. Luckily my wife found a very good specialist in infections diseases. She helped my wife adopt a multi-faceted approach to help her combat the disease. Along with the usual traditional treatments, she urged her to strengthen her immune system and to reduce stress. Part of the program was daily vitamin and mineral supplements.

Now, I've been taking a daily multi-vitamin every day for years but didn't really know much about one vitamin supplement versus another, except that some were made without certain additives that probably weren't that good for you. Little did I know. My wife's specialist gave her a handout on some research that had been done of various brands of supplements. Apparently some supplements are absorbed easily by the human body (up to 90%) and are highly effective while others have absorption rates as low as 10% and don't really do much for you unless you take huge quantities.

Anyway, my wife selected the brand that was most highly effective according to the report and began taking the daily essentials along with some larger doses of the more specific vitamins and minerals that she needed. At the same time she took steps to eliminate as much stress as she could from her life and made sure she had plenty of rest each day.

We were both amazed that within a few weeks she noticed a marked improvement in her health. This was enough to convince me to switch my brand of vitamins too, and within a few weeks, I also noticed I had more energy, was eating less, and generally felt better overall.

If you would like a copy of the report, email me at: michael@pryt.com and I'll send you a copy. My wife and I were also so impressed with our brand of vitamin that we became distributors and will be happy to offer you discounted prices on these high quality nutitional products if after reading the report you decide you might want to use them too.